FUNNY, YET SAD DUE TO IT BEING TRUE STUFF...

Pastoral Search Report

We do not have a happy report to give. We have not been able to find a suitable candidate for this church, though we have one promising prospect still. We do appreciate all the suggestions from the church members, and we have followed up each one with interviews or calling at least three references.

The following is our confidential report on the present candidates:

Adam: Good man but problems with his wife.

Noah: Former pastorate of 120 years with no converts. Prone to unrealistic building projects.

Abraham: Though the references reported wife-swapping, the facts seem to show he never slept with another mans wife, but did offer to share his own wife with another man.

Joseph: A big thinker, but a braggart, believes in dream-interpreting, and has a prison record.

Moses: A modest and meek man, but poor communicator, even stuttering at times. Sometimes blows his stack and acts rashly. Some say he left an earlier church over a murder charge.

David: The most promising leader of all until we discovered the affair he had with his neighbors wife.

Solomon: Great preacher but our parsonage would never hold all those wives.

Elijah: Prone to depression-collapses under pressure.

Elisha: Reported to have lived with a single widow while at his former church.

Hosea: A tender and loving pastor but our people could never handle his wifes occupation.

Jeremiah: Emotionally unstable, alarmist, negative, always lamenting things, and reported to have taken a long trip to bury his underwear on the bank of foreign river.

Isaiah: On the fringe? Claims to have seen angels in church. Has trouble with his language.

Jonah: Refused Gods call into ministry until he was forced to obey by getting swallowed up by a great fish. He told us the fish later spit him out on the shore near here. We hung up.

Amos: Too backward and unpolished. With some seminary training he might have promise, but has a hang-up against wealthy people. Might fit in better in a poor congregation.

John: Says he is a Baptist, but definitely does not dress like one. Has slept in the outdoors for months on end, has a weird diet, and provokes denominational leaders.

Peter: Too blue collar. Has a bad temper - even has been known to curse. Had a big run-in with Paul in Antioch. Aggressive, but a loose cannon.

Paul: Powerful CEO type leader and fascinating preacher. However, short on tact, unforgiving with younger ministers, harsh and has been known to preach all night.

Timothy: Too young.

Jesus: Has had popular times, but once when his church grew to 5000 he managed to offend them all and this church dwindled down to twelve people. Seldom stays in one place very long. And, of course, he is single, so he is not qualified.

Judas: His references are solid. A steady plodder. Conservative. Good connections. Knows how to handle money. We are inviting him to preach this Sunday. Possibilities here.


MY ATTORNEY

After living a decent life, my time on earth came to an end. The first
thing I remember is sitting on a bench in the waiting room of what I thought
to be a court house.

The doors opened and I was instructed to come in and have a seat by the
defense table. As I looked around I saw the prosecutor. He was a
villainous looking gent who snarled as he stared at me. He definitely was
the most evil person I have ever seen.

I sat down and looked to my left and there sat my lawyer, a kind and gentle
looking man whose appearance seemed familiar to me.

The corner door flew open and there appeared the judge in full flowing
robes. He commanded an awesome presence as he moved across the room. I
couldn't take my eyes off of him. As he took his seat behind the bench, he
said, Let us begin.

The prosecutor rose and said, My name is Satan and I am here to show you
why this man belongs in hell. He proceeded to tell of lies that I told,
things that I stole, and in the past when I cheated others.

Satan told of other horrible perversions that were once in my life and the
more he spoke, the further down in my seat I sank. I was so embarrassed that
I couldn't look at anyone, even my own lawyer, as the Devil told of sins
that even I had completely forgotten about.

As upset as I was at Satan for telling all these things about me, I was
equally upset at my representative who sat there silently not offering any
form of defense at all. I know I had been guilty of those things, but I had
done some good in my life - could not that at least equal out part of the
harm I have done?

Satan finished with a fury and said, This man belongs in hell, he is guilty
of all that I have charged and there is not a person who can prove
otherwise.

When it was his turn, my lawyer first asked if he might approach the bench.
The judge allowed this over the strong objection of Satan, and beckoned him
to come forward.

As he got up and started walking, I was able to see him in his full splendor
and majesty. I realized why he seemed so familiar. This was Jesus
representing me, my Lord and my Savior. He stopped at the bench and softly
said to the judge, Hi Dad, and then he turned to address the court.

Satan was correct in saying that this man had sinned, I won't deny any of
these allegations. And yes the wages of sin is death, and this man deserves
to be punished.

Jesus took a deep breath and turned to his Father with outstretched arms and
proclaimed, However, I died on the cross so that this person might have
eternal life and he has accepted me as his Savior, so he is mine.

My Lord continued with, His name is written in the book of life and no one
can snatch him from me. Satan still does not understand yet. This man is not
to be given justice, but rather mercy.

As Jesus sat down, he quietly paused, looked at his Father and replied,
There is nothing else that needs to be done. I've done it all.

The judge lifted his mighty hand and slammed the gavel down. The following
words bellowed from his lips...

This man is free. The penalty for him has already been paid in full. Case
dismissed. As my Lord led me away, I could hear Satan ranting and raving, I
will not give up, I will win the next one.

I asked Jesus as he gave me my instructions where to go next, Have you ever
lost a case?

Christ lovingly smiled and said, Everyone that has come to me and asked me
to represent them has received the same verdict as you, Paid in Full.

If you do not pass this along to 15 people immediately, absolutely nothing
will happen.. No curse, no bad fortune, absolutely nothing. Passing this on
to anyone you consider a friend,
(as I have done here), will bless you both, that is what Jesus promised us all

Kid's Prayers:

I had been teaching my three-year-old daughter, Caitlin, the
Lord's Prayer. For several evenings at bedtime, she would repeat after me the lines from the prayer.
Finally, she decided to go solo. I listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word, right up to the end of the prayer:
"Lead us not into temptation," she prayed,
"but deliver us some E-mail. Amen."

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One Sunday in a Midwest City, a young child was "acting up" during the morning worship hour. The parents did their best to maintain some sense of order in the pew but were losing the battle.
Finally, the father picked the little fellow up and
walked sternly up the aisle on his way out.
Just before reaching the safety of the foyer, the little one called loudly to the congregation, "Pray for me! Pray for me!"

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A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it.
I'm having a real good time like I am."

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A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service,
"And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
One bright little girl replied,
"Because people are sleeping."

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The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike, and as he preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went.
Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it again. After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother and whispered,
"If he gets loose, will he hurt us?"

**************************

Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother Joel, were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang and talked out loud.
Finally, his big sister had had enough.
"You're not supposed to talk out loud in church."
"Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked.
Angie pointed to the back of the church and said,
"See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers."

**************************

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, Ryan, 3.
The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.
Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.
"If Jesus were sitting here, He would say 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'"
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said,
Ryan, you be Jesus!

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A father was at the beach with his children when the four-year old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore, where a seagull lay dead in the sand.
Daddy, what happened to him? the son asked.
He died and went to Heaven, the dad replied.
The boy thought a moment and then said,
Did God throw him back down?

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After the church service, a little boy told the pastor,
When I grow up, I am going to give you some money.
Well, thank you, the pastor replied, but why?
Because my daddy says you're one of the poorest preachers we've ever had.

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A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was.
Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted,
Thou shall not take the covers off the neighbors wife.

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At Sunday School they were teaching how God created
everything, including human beings. Little Johnny, a child in the kindergarten class, seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.
Later in the week his mother noticed him lying as
though he was ill, and said, Johnny what is the matter?
Little Johnny responded, I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife!

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Our father, who does art in heaven, Howard is his name....

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A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human, because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
The teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was impossible.
The little girl said, When I get to heaven, I will ask Jonah.
The teacher asked, What if Jonah went to hell?
The little girl replied, Then you ask him.

Visitor # since march 2002.



THE DOVE IS A SYMBOL OF THE HOLY SPIRIT!

APOSTLES CREED

I believe in God, the Father almighty,
creator of heaven and earth.
I believe in Jesus Christ, his only Son, our Lord,
who was conceived by the Holy Spirit,
and born of the virgin Mary.
He suffered under Pontius Pilate,
was crucified, died, and was buried;
he descended to hell.
The third day, he rose again from the dead.
He ascended to heaven
and is seated at the right hand of God the Father almighty.
From there he will come to judge the living and the dead.
I believe in the Holy Spirit,
the holy universal* church,
the communion of saints,
the forgiveness of sins,
the resurrection of the body,
and the life everlasting. Amen.

* that is, the true Christian church of all times and all places